Category Archives: Projects

Jan 23 2013
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Projects

What I’ve been up to

The other day my friend Emily posted this to Facebook:

“Shared is better than perfect.” – Lisa Silverberg

Right on. In that spirit, here’s a quick, imperfect roundup of some of the things that’ve been keeping me busy in these early days of 2013:

I signed a yearlong contract with NTEN. Over the coming year, I will explore the ergonomic pros and cons of my “home office” furniture (aka the couch vs. the dining room table), enjoy my walk-down-the-hallway “commute,” and learn a LOT while I support the Nonprofit Technology Network’s Communities of Practice and Communities of Impact programs. My official title is Community Project Manager. It’s not-quite-full-time, which is perfect because it’s meant…

I’ve continued freelancing as a writer, editor, and workshop facilitator. I helped some organizations write year-end fundraising appeals; researched and drafted an original article for another; and most recently, I designed two workshops—one on leadership, one on purposeful career paths—and traveled to a conference in Berkeley, CA to facilitate them for 50+ energetic college students and recent alums.

I owe huge thanks to my friend Annie Lumerman of Generate Change for connecting me to that last opportunity. Putting the workshops together was a really fun excuse to both revisit some of my “old standby” resources (like the Idealist Guide to Nonprofit Careers and the Bonner Network training templates and the New Organizing Institute toolbox) and also test out some new ideas – in one session, I had a mini FailFaire and several students got up to share their “fails” with bravery and humor! And speaking of bravery and humor…

I’m learning how to do barrel rolls, y’all! Two nights a week I am stretching and laughing and attempting to dance with a bunch of other self-described “non-dancers” as part of Fear Experiment. If you’re in Chicago, you can come witness our public performance one night only; click here and scroll all the way down to buy tickets.

Of course, a lot of other things have been happening, from the light (including attending a live taping of Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me) to the very heavy and sad (some people I love have been grieving sudden, terrible deaths of people they loved). And of course there are a lot of hanging threads from 2012 that I want to tie up – including imperfect, unfinished blog posts with more Copenhagen wedding photos, more Sandy relief opportunities, and just…more.

But two of my friends and I got together right after New Year’s to make vision boards, and I’m finding that that single afternoon of reflection and collage-making with them helped me to feel grounded and as prepared as I can be in the middle of all of these events and intentions. Sharing is better than perfect indeed.

I hope you all are feeling optimistic about 2013, or at least fired up and ready to go. Let me know if you want to collaborate on anything.

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Oct 22 2012
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People, Projects

28 for 29, #27: Trish

Next in a series about the changes people often face in their late twenties. 

myspacefog (1)

A few years ago when I decided to move into my friend Trish’s Brooklyn apartment, our mutual friend Celeste said, “I love it! I just imagined walking through the front door and seeing a big bowl filled with pieces of paper with icebreakers written on them.” It’s true that Trish is known far and wide for her exceptional facilitation skills (and that anything I know about group dynamics and trainings and retreats I learned from her) – and, sure enough, my time living with her was full of warm conversation with anyone who crossed the threshold. But she is also known for (1) turning her job interview at Idealist into a lecture on the Jackson Five; (2) becoming the first-ever National Director of the Young Nonprofit Professionals Network; (3) beating a bunch of Brooklyn foodie hipsters in a crostini cooking competition with our friend Kim; and (4) keeping all of the plants in our apartment alive when my inattention really should have killed them. And a whole lot of other things. I could go on, but you’d probably rather hear about when she was 28. 

JS: Do you have any advice for someone going through this (supposedly) astrologically tumultuous time?

TT: Write.  Or photograph.  Or videograph.  Whatever the medium, document what’s happening.  Actually I would say this for any point in life.  I have this 10 year journal where each day of the year has a slot for you to record highlights from that day each year for 10 years.  So you can see on April 10, 2012 what you were doing and thinking and feeling on April 10, 2011, 2010, 2009, etc. For me there’s nothing more instructive than having your 29 year old self shake your head at the reflections of your 28 year old self who thought whatever was happening at the time was the hardest thing ever and nothing would ever be right again. I don’t mean that to be dismissive or to say that you shouldn’t take what you’re feeling at the moment seriously.  For me, though, being able to see the past clearly helps me to both acknowledge what’s happening now and believe even as I’m feeling it that this, too, shall pass.

Also, reading that stuff is pure entertainment.  I’m hilarious when I’m scared – not laugh-with hilarious, laugh-at hilarious.  So that’s an extra incentive for me to record what’s going on during tumultuous times.  Apparently inner turmoil makes me think that I’m a Def Poet or something like that.  It’s not cute.

J: Do you feel close to those memories or far from them?

T: The feelings behind the memories are stronger than a lot of the details.  Like I remember the feeling of being adored by my nephews but I don’t remember what we would do together.  I remember feeling so lucky to have the awesome apartment/neighborhood/roommate that I had but I’m starting to forget the colors of the walls.  I remember living with the assumption that I would dance every.single.weekend but I don’t remember which parties happened in which order and who was out which night.

Oddly, I don’t remember the feelings OR the details of the thing that I still think of as the key marker of that year: this ridiculous crush I had on some dude that strung me along for nine months.  I’m actually sitting here typing this and for the life of me I can’t remember his last name.  Which is awesome.

J: What was happening in the world that year?  Do you remember newsworthy events, books you read, movies or shows or art you experienced?

T: It’s cool to look back and realize that 2005 was the awkward teenager phase of technology that’s SO accessible and SO integrated into our lives now.   Two good examples – 1) Online TV:  I remember my roommate and I sitting on my bed watching episodes of LOST every week.  The quality was wack and the video stopped every 90 seconds to buffer but we were all, “we can watch TV whenever we want!  On our computer!  The future is NOW!” 2) I remember being OBSESSED with MySpace.  Those were the beginnings of my (our) brain thinking that mundane shit and daily occurrences deserved to be shared.  With the WORLD.  I would edit and re-edit and re-edit these blog posts (remember Myspace had a blog? I know, right?) and change my home page theme song every two days.  Meanwhile…

Don’t even get me started on the world events that year…I mean, recovering from the blow of Bush’s re-election…Katrina…it was craziness.  I went to Wikipedia though and looked for other stuff that happened that year that I didn’t remember, and I happened upon Live 8.  The concert itself was forgettable, but it made me think about all the fair trade campaigning I was doing for Oxfam that year and how I got my little sister into it as well.

Lisa had never heard of the issue but wanted to come to the Habib Koite show with me where I was tabling one night.  I remember driving down to Delaware with her, going over the FAQ and helping her get her tabling rap down.  Two hours earlier she knew nothing about the issue, but she learned enough in the car to get totally fired up.  So by the time we got to the venue, she was FEARLESS.  I thought my heart was going to explode watching her walk right up to these strangers like it was nothing, “Oh you don’t know about crop dumping?  Girl, let me tell you…”  Definitely one of the best memories of that year.

J: Where were you when you turned 28?

T: At a pizza place in West Philly with a crew I’m pretty sure I invited to come out about 10 minutes before it would have been time to show up.  I’m always weird about pulling people together for my birthday but that one felt particularly inconsequential.

J: Does the term “Saturn returns” mean anything to you?

T: The first time I heard the term was from the mouth of this scary boss I had while I was living/working in Burlington, VT.  There was a coworker of mine (the one person scary boss doted on) who was going through a rough time and I remember my boss saying, “Of course life is crazy right now, sweetie, it’s your Saturn returning.” I was standing right there but I remember rather than speak directly to my boss and ask her what “Saturn returning” meant, I kept quiet and looked it up online.  I was still a few years out but I remember feeling nervous based on what I read.

Now I kind of like the concept.  I like the unifying nature of it.  It’s like puberty: we all go through it.  I also like that it allows for us to forego blame or guilt for not having our shit together during that time (also like puberty). I think many of us feel burdened by this pervasive belief that we are in control of things going right or wrong in our lives.  I loved feeling (even just a little bit) that it wasn’t me who couldn’t for the life of me decide whether or not to move to NYC in 2006, it was the universe.

–

The word facilitate means “to make (an action or process) easy or easier”; synonyms include relieve, ease, alleviate, simplify, and lighten. Trish has definitely helped to facilitate my life during my little Saturn face-off. So if we’re crediting the universe for stuff, thanks, universe, for steering Trish toward NYC back then and for the chance to share Brooklyn with her.

Photo: From Trish’s Myspace days.

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Oct 13 2012
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People, Projects

28 for 29, #26: An anonymous friend

Next in a series about the changes people often face in their late twenties. 

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This installment comes from someone who prefers to remain anonymous. Suffice to say that she’s a badass organizer who always seems to be full of really smart advice and (be warned) isn’t afraid of dropping the f-bomb. 

Sorry this isn’t a formal post but in terms of me giving you advice as you go through this — know that Saturn is a stern task master, and this is an important period of self-inquiry.  You will start to examine all the things that form the basis of your life – who you really want to be in this world – what it is you really want to represent (instead of solely relying or being hemmed in by other people’s expectations) that you get to define what being happy really means — that you might be surprised to find that your definition is different than other people’s definitions, and that is OK!  It is a period of coming in to your _own self_ but know that as you move into closer alignment with your authentic self, that this might mean you have to shed parts of you that you thought were part of your identity (but actually weren’t a true part).  This includes old behavioral habits, internal thinking habits, friends (this one is the toughest), you might change your job or have a dramatic shift in your career (or you might have a completely validating experience and realize that the tiny corner of the Universe you inhabit is exactly where you’re suppose to be – and be glad, you lucky one!)  And of course, there is the love part too — who are you really looking for and needing in a partner in your life?  Saturn return is a time of contrasts, and it’s when you really focus on what it is you’re going to do for the next 25 years (2nd Saturn return is about 55 — the “mid-life crisis”.  If you live into your 80s, the 3rd Saturn Return occurs, and you spend you twilight thinking about what you’ve done and haven’t done.  The “bucket list” period, in modern slang.)

scratchy surface self-portrait

You have to remember that the struggle as you move through this time is part of the lesson.  That ultimately the best way to learn is through experience.  And so people like me might give you advice but ultimately no one can fully explain or prepare you for the wonderful and challenging time you are going through.  The benefits? That I can enumerate, having emerged out of this period: I feel finally relaxed in a new way.  I used to have a fire in the pit of my stomach and be angry, impatient and restless.  But Saturn Return makes you wrestle with that Ambition Beast (if you have one in your stomach like I do) or it wakes that fucker up and makes you talk to the Ambition Beast (which ever of these two options bring balance into your life.)

Cloud Gate / The Bean

The early 30s have been like a very cool autumn day after surviving a heat wave, after recovering from a fever.  Relief at finally really knowing what it is I’m supposed to do and who it is I am, and embracing that and standing in the power of being my authentic self, without apology.  That is the gift of Saturn Return.  Shedding the illusion that you have any control over what other people think about you, and not giving a damn either way.  Release expectations that are unrealistic or harmful to my core of confidence and happiness.  Embracing the notion that it is not sinful or wrong to _just be happy_ and fully accepting that I can and will define happiness as I see fit, and not as a form of comparison against others.  Releasing regret over things that are lost (that the Universe might have intentionally washed away from me.)  That has been what Saturn Return was, for me.  Painful and full of transition and finally full of love and relief and wholeness that I have never felt before, and am so glad to finally find.  Operating from a place of stillness and strength instead of reacting from a place of deficit.

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Remember that – at least I have found – the Universe tends towards balance and that (to my way of thinking) the Universe wants to help you achieve whatever it is you want to achieve in this world.  The Universe WANTS you to succeed, and the Universe KNOWS you, and so will present lessons in your life that are challenging.

Does any of this resonate?

–

Yes, it does. Thank you, anonymous big sister-friend. I appreciate all that you do to help others find balance, operate from stillness and strength, and wrestle their Ambition Beasts. 

Photos: Millennium Park, Chicago, 2010.

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Oct 03 2012
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People, Projects

28 for 29, #25: Jacobia

Next in a series about the changes people often face in their late twenties. 

JD in Ghana 2000

Once upon a time in 2006, I spent a summer in a tiny, cramped three-bedroom on the Lower East Side, training for a new job. When my colleagues asked me on short notice to stay for an extra month, I turned to Craigslist to find my next temporary housing solution and, miracle of miracles, I landed at Jacobia’s. Her husband was on sabbatical and she’d decided to rent out their second room while he was away. Suddenly I found myself a world away on the Upper West Side, in a huge, sunny space with healthy plants and a perfect red kitchen and views of Central Park – and the loveliest host.

I’d start my mornings with a ceramic mug of Jacobia’s strong French press coffee, then wind down in the evenings listening to her stories while she threw together a perfect vegetable soup. It’s hard for me to believe six years have passed since then. For Jacobia, it might feel much longer; she’s since moved a few times, completed her master’s degree, had two beautiful kids, and launched a successful business. Please enjoy this interview with my favorite Berliner and then be sure to take a look at her portrait photography: www.jacobiadahm.com.

Julia D: Does the term “Saturn returns” mean anything to you?

Jacobia D: I had never heard of it until you brought it up. I just dipped into the Wikipedia article about it and am amazed by the forgiving theory that according to ‘Saturn returns’ a person reaches adulthood at around 28-30, and maturity at about 56-60 years of age. How generous we are all given so much time, especially when everything else in life would like us to reach any other social milestone as fast as possible.

JS: Where were you when you turned 28?

JD: It was in 1999 and I was in my hometown Frankfurt for my birthday, and Macartan (then my boyfriend) flew over from Oxford to be with me. I lived in a co-op with two close friends and we would have all celebrated together.

JS: What are one or two or several things you remember from the year or so surrounding that birthday?

JD: The summer before my birthday (which is in November) I spent in Washington D.C., and I remember being bitten by every single mosquito in town. I was finishing my Master’s in Comparative Literature in early 2000, so I would have spent the time around my birthday writing my thesis and doing little else. (Hm, I seem to be mistaken, my husband said I also played an awful lot of Tetris that year). And then in the summer of 2000 I traveled to Ghana, it was my first trip to Africa. And at the end of this year, when I turned 29, Macartan gave me my first digital camera, a Fuji Finepix, and I have been clicking the shutter ever since.

JS: What was happening in the world that year? Do you remember newsworthy events, books you read, movies or shows or art you experienced?

JD: At the beginning of the year in which I turned 28 the Euro was introduced as a Europe-wide currency, and the morning of January 1 we all went to the bank and it blew my mind that new bank notes, an entirely new currency, were spewed out. And I would have read a huge amount in those years, and one book that stands out in my memory is Coetzee’s Disgrace. It was also a strong year for films, The Matrix came out of course, and the Kosovo war was still going on.

JS: Do you feel close to those memories, or far from them? 
JD: Both. I had such a hard time remembering that year in the beginning when you asked me, but once my husband and I sat down and talked about that time things came back and the picture and the memory became much denser. Now it feels like it didn’t happen that long ago. I have often thought about keeping a basic diary with key events and places, and after this experience, where I realized I could not remember a year spontaneously, I will need to put this plan into action.
JS: Do you have any advice for someone going through this (supposedly) astrologically tumultuous time?
JD: Uahh, I don’t. The year feels dense in retrospect, but not particularly tumultuous, so I am not sure the idea of Saturn returning reverberates with me. Always remember you have another round until maturity! You’ve basically only just left your teenage years behind.
–
Indeed. Now I’m having flashbacks to high school. Thanks for being open to this interview, Jacobia! I’m so happy to be back in touch. 
Photo (of herself in Ghana in 2000): courtesy Jacobia Dahm. 
p.s. I kicked off this series 10 weeks ago today. Want to go back to the beginning? Start with Hannah.
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Oct 02 2012
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People, Projects

28 for 29, #24: Celishia

Next in a series about the changes people often face in their late twenties. 

C goes skydiving!

Everyone, meet Celishia. Whenever I felt anxious about moving to Chicago, I’d think about how my new city would bring more hang time with Celishia and another mutual friend of ours and feel more calm. It really has been lovely to spend time with her here (especially in the beautiful new home that she mentions toward the end of this post!), and I’m so happy she decided to participate in this series.  

J: Where were you when you turned 28?

C: I turned 28 in December of 2009. I was in Matteson, IL, a suburb outside of Chicago, living at home with my mom. I had just started a new job a little over a month before my 28th birthday, as a counselor, my current job. Before that, I had been out of work since June when I finished grad school. That was the longest that I had been out of work in my adult life. It was kind of rough, identity-wise, because I’d always had a job and a place of my own. I was kind of moody on my birthday.

J: What are one or two or several things you remember from the year or so surrounding that birthday?

C: A lot of things happened that year. In late March, I traveled to France to visit a friend who was researching for her dissertation. Soon after I returned, there was a break-in in my apartment and I had to make a decision on whether to stay or leave.  My mother seemed to feel that I couldn’t stay in my apartment and being within a few months of graduation with no promise of a job, I didn’t feel comfortable moving to a new place.  So it was decided that I’d move home.  Sometime between the break-in and the move, I attended my five-year college reunion in St. Louis.  I had a great time with my friends but felt awkward explaining that I was about to move back home.

I also remember that after I graduated in June, I took my first “real” vacation to celebrate. It was a great summer – I did a lot of things for someone without a job. I went skydiving during my job search, and I remember thinking, if I can jump out of a plane, I can tackle this thing.

In terms of world events, earlier that year there was the inauguration of Barack Obama. Michael Jackson died that year, which was huge. I remember watching the funeral on TV. And I remember that Chicago didn’t get to host the Olympics.  I watched on TV thinking it would be this daylong thing and then we were out of the running really quickly.  The majority of my reading that summer was focused on studying for the National Counselor Exam and reading job announcements.

J: How were you feeling about having the graduate degree? 

C: I was really excited about it. I think I was the first person in my family to have a master’s degree. I had worked hard and accomplished my goal of a 4.0. I had done what I set out to do. When I graduated I was planning to move to DC and be near friends on the East Coast. So I was excited and I was proud, and I was hopeful about this new life and these new possibilities. I was really hopeful for change.

J: You mentioned being moody on your birthday, though. So was there some sort of shift?

C: Yeah. The shift, I think, happened as the job search continued…and continued…and continued. There were two jobs in DC for which I made it far along in the interview process. When those didn’t pan out, I was discouraged. But after I heard I didn’t get the second job, that’s the day I applied for the one I got here. At the time it was my dream job – ideal population, ideal location, ideal setting, free services for people from the population I wanted to serve. If you’d asked me six months earlier what I wanted to be doing, it was everything I would have described.

But the pay wasn’t great, and I was living at home and most of my savings had run out, so while I had my dream job, other things weren’t exactly lining up.

J: And what happened in the period after your birthday?

C: I think my birthday mood was mostly related to friends and socializing, because work-wise, things were pretty good: I took my exam in November and got my license in December.  However, it was also the first time that I was not in school.  I worked full-time while completing my graduate degree and I took certification classes during my time as a teacher.  In hindsight, that may have had something to do with my mood.  I had lot of extra time but I wasn’t filling it with anything fun or exciting.

Then, shortly after I turned 28, I reconnected with one of my best friends from high school and we made a vow to hang out more. We did all this single girly stuff, had sleepovers at her house on New Year’s and Valentine’s Day. In the year that followed, if there was some after-work event, some party, anything she was aware of, we were there. Lots of fun memories. Lots of free drinks. I felt really good about being able to go out and meet people, and enjoy the city. So 28 ended up being pretty good even though it started out weird socially.

J: And at work, was there a specific thing, like a client relationship or feedback from a boss, that made it so positive?

C: I’m thinking about different clients. Individual client progress I can’t articulate for reasons of confidentiality, but one in particular struggled with this sense of needing to put on a face or a mask. That’s a theme for a lot of my clients, but to work with her, empower her to acknowledge her feelings, whether anger, rage, sadness, [just to acknowledge that] she wasn’t always happy and be ok with that. That was really powerful.

I think a lot of my pride in my work comes from creating a space for people where they don’t have to wear a mask, or that they can take pieces of it off even if they’re not really ready to fully reveal everything. Or I can provide an environment within our relationship so that they can feel or show things that they weren’t previously able to.

J: Do you feel close to the memories from that year, or far from them?

C: Wow. I’ve read that so many times and I’m like, I don’t know!

In a way they feel far away – like they are much farther than two, almost three years away. My life feels so different now. But at the same time, they’re still really close and accessible. Some of it is muddled.  I’ve always been really independent, so the three years I was at home are kind of jumbled together because I needed to get back to being on my own completely.

J: When you spend time with your mom, do you feel closer to or farther from to that time?

C: It’s only been six months since I moved out. I can feel a difference in terms of how we relate, and the sense that I’m back on my own. She knows it, I know it, and it just feels different.  It may also be because I’ve since purchased my own home.

I noticed that living at home illuminated childhood patterns that I was able to avoid or not acknowledge as much when I had my own place. Living with those again, learning to manage them as an adult as opposed to the way I handled them as a kid, was different. I don’t know how it’s different, but knowing that I’ve seen those patterns come up again and learning to handle them as an adult is grounding. I think my mom respects me more and knows how I handle things as an adult. It was helpful for us even if it was stressful in the process.

J: Do you have any advice for someone going through this (supposedly) astrologically tumultuous time? Or do you just have advice for people turning 28?

C: I’m trying not to be therapisty. But: hold on to what you know to be true and what it is that you want for yourself. Do things to remind you of who you are, of your strength.

I think that’s what my skydiving was about. And it was important to me that I pulled the cord to open the parachute.  My instructor told me that only 25% of people do so and I was the first of his students to do so that day.  It reaffirmed my ability to take care of, to save, myself.

Not everyone should go skydiving, but whatever that challenge is for you, do it. I created a list of things I wanted to do by the time I turned 28. I didn’t accomplish all of them, but by having that list I was able to say “I accomplished some things,” and celebrate them, even though a lot of things were going on in other areas of my life.

All the things that happened when I was 28 showed me that my identity doesn’t lie in where I live or what I do. I think the challenges highlighted how much I relied on those things, but also proved that I was more than those things.  My identity doesn’t rely on having a job, living on my own, being independent, or being really smart.

So, learn from the tumult. What’s the lesson it’s trying to teach?

–

One lesson 28 taught me (and that 29 is now teaching me) is that I am lucky to be surrounded by such thoughtful people.

Also, inspired by Celishia, I’m revisiting my “things to do by age 30″ list. What should be on it? Leave a comment and let me know!

Skydiving photo provided by Celishia. 

Want to read more? Click here to see the list of posts. 

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Oct 01 2012
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People, Projects

28 for 29, #23: Annie L.

Next in a series about the changes people often face in their late twenties. 

Annie's 28th birthday

Annie has been one of my closest friends since college. She lights up my life and is probably tied with my partner for being the person who knows the highest number of mundane details about my day-to-day routine. And that’s saying something, because we live two time zones apart.

JS: Where were you when you turned 28?

AL: I was in Washington, DC working at a nonprofit and living downtown. And I remember having a meltdown on my birthday. [My partner, now husband] Marc and I were supposed to take the day off and that didn’t work out. I was really bummed as I walked to work, so I called our friends Beth and Jean, who were home and lived nearby, and said, “It’s my birthday. I don’t want to go to work.” And they said, “OMG, let’s go to breakfast at Juice Joint! And then we’ll go to the Arboretum and prance around!” Thankfully they were available, but the whole time I was with them, it was hard to be present. I was aware that something was going on that was making me unhappy about my birthday but I couldn’t put my finger on it. On the surface I was having fun with them, and I hadn’t gone to work, which had been my goal. But then I thought, “Maybe I feel guilty about skipping out on work,” so I went into the office.

It turned into a daylong mope session. I spent most of the day staring at my computer and remember almost crying to a friend over lunch. At the time, I didn’t really know why I was so upset. I had never said “$#&@ birthdays” before (except in the context of having to go out to a really expensive restaurant for a friend’s birthday); I had always loved my birthday. I enjoyed receiving presents and eating too much cake. It was a real blow when it wasn’t the “happy” day I had come to expect and I really spent the day caught up on the fact that it was a bad one. I didn’t have the capacity to think about the real reasons behind the meltdown.

Weeks after my birthday I was able to see that I was actually upset about turning 28 because I felt like I hadn’t accomplished enough in the way of work and personal interests. I liked my job but it didn’t feel like I had “made it” or achieved anything meaningful on some levels. I also realized that I had stopped pursuing my interests outside of work.

J: Do you remember what you did that night? 

A: I can’t remember. I think Marc and I went out to dinner. I know I eventually felt better, but the day is what I remember. One day I’d like to put together a collection of essays from people in their 20s and 30s called “Adult-Sized Tantrums.” I’ve trademarked it, so don’t even think about stealing the name.

J: Can I ask what else was going on in your life at that time? 

A: I felt a little bit stuck. I wanted to break free and do something that was going to stimulate me. I wanted to learn something new, do something new, be somewhere new. I tried to push myself but I just wasn’t doing anything. That was the struggle. Maybe, deep down, I thought something was just going to happen, but we all know that magical thinking doesn’t get you what you want.

I remember having a really good year following my 27th birthday. The previous fall and the end of 2010 were really positive. But as soon as the new year hit, I remember being really effected by the gloomy weather, I got sick, and I just felt like I couldn’t get back to that good place. After my 28th birthday in March, I continued to feel unsatisfied and stuck through April and into May. After that I started to feel better, but I don’t know what changed. I don’t recall a turning point so maybe there wasn’t one and it was about the process.

J: So who or what helped with that process? Or is there any advice you would share with someone who hasn’t been through a period like that and is facing one now?

A: Remember that once you start getting down on yourself about being emotional or not succeeding in the way that you had envisioned, that’s going to keep you down. It’s just going to create a vicious cycle where you’re upset by emotions that are completely normal. And if this is the Saturn transition that’s so tumultuous, you’ve got to acknowledge the tumult but keep moving forward and really stay forward, even when positivity feels ridiculous.

Just try to listen to people if they tell you you’re not alone, using friends, partners, and family to give you boosts of confidence. And do things that make you happy.

J: What were some things that made you happy?

A: Making plans to go out for activities and explore the city, and to go out to eat, and forcing myself to be social. Friends brought me such good energy. I started analyzing my life again. I had felt like there was nothing good about my life; I couldn’t see what was around me. So becoming more aware, being focused on the present, and not being so focused on the past or future: that may have been the key.

I still struggle with this question: “In 24 hours, if I have two really bad hours, does that make it a bad day?” I think old self would say ‘Yes. It was a horrible day.’ My new self would say you have to section things off. It was bad, but it wasn’t a bad day.

J: Do you feel close to those memories, or far from them? 

A: I think about that birthday occasionally because I try to avoid letting myself feel like my life is meaningless or unfulfilled. It isn’t and it wasn’t at the time. Life isn’t black and white but sometimes I get caught thinking this way. I think I’ve done a good job of facing my emotions head-on since my 28th birthday because I didn’t repeat the meltdown on my 29th. I feel like I’ve achieved a grown-up gold star.

–

If I could, I would print this and cover it in dozens of gold stars and put this on Annie’s fridge. Thanks for sharing, friend.

One thing this series is teaching me over and over is that it’s fascinating how much you can learn about very close friends when you take the time and earn the trust to go into “interview mode” with them. Big thanks to everyone who has participated so far. 

Photo of Annie and Beth (at the Arboretum on Annie’s birthday) by Jean Leconte.

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Sep 23 2012
1 Comment
People, Projects

28 for 29, #22: Jamia W.

Next in a series about the changes people often face in their late twenties. 

Jamia

I met Jamia years ago when I interned at a major reproductive justice organization. We didn’t work together directly, but I remember getting the impression that everyone respected her work and thought she was a totally smart, vibrant, and cool colleague. Since then, we’ve connected a few times in person (thanks to the lovely Emily and some events around New York), and I always enjoy the resources and reflections she posts online. You can find her on Twitter or learn more at her website.

Julia: Does the term “Saturn returns” mean anything to you?

Jamia: Absolutely! I grew up in a household where astrology was embraced and celebrated. My father did my chart for me when I was born and it has been really fun and kind of eerie to see how accurate it turned out to be.

Learning about astrology as a kid didn’t prepare me for my Saturn Return. Even though I’d heard about it, I had no idea that it was really about a cosmic energetic shift that was going to rock me off my foundation to help me return to my truth. The last few years have included some of my highest highs and lowest lows – and most of my biggest lessons. I’m beyond excited that Saturn ends three years of visiting Libras a week before my birthday in October.

Once my friend Allison explained the concept of Saturn Return to me as the time when the universe sets things right by teaching you, forcing you, and guiding you towards being exactly who you are meant to be. I remember being about 27 years old and hearing her explain how during the time between her late twenties and early thirties her relationships and professional path turned upside down to make things come out right in the end.

When we spoke about this, I had no idea what was coming. A few months later, I began to feel some pretty seismic shifts happen in my life and I thought: Wow, this is the Saturn Return, it is here and I have to just ride this wave until it crashes.

JS: Where were you when you turned 28? 

JW: When I was 28, I was working at New York University as an Assistant Director of a residence hall at NYU. I was finishing up my Master’s degree and living and working on campus while enjoying the sweet fruits of my job perks—the comfort and convenience of campus life, a “free” East Village apartment, a decent salary, health care and retirement benefits, and 10 free meals a week.

While I loved working with students and enjoyed serving and supporting the residents in my community, my inner activist and writer yearned to be released and unleashed. For quite some time before I took the leap into my feminist media activist work, I wanted to return to my passion for feminist organizing. I knew I had skills, values, and ideas that I needed to explore, embrace, and voice in a new space and it took a while for me to conjure up the courage to leave the safety and security of campus life to take on the uncertainty of a new adventure with less tangible security attached to it.

JS: What are some things you remember from the year or so surrounding that birthday?

JW: I remember feeling this sense of dread about being closer to being “thirty.” I felt like there was some sort of cultural narrative about expected achievements that one must cross off their list by 30 and I spent my 28th year whirling around with worry that my time was running out. I have since rejected the mindset that trapped me into having these damaging and unrealistic expectations for myself, but I remember being 28 and thinking, wow, I only have a few years to “figure everything out” or “get my #$$% together.” I now realize the absolute impossibility and ridiculousness of buying into that frame of thinking.

On my 29th birthday, my partner Travis threw a surprise party for me at Twenty Six Seats, a lovely French bistro where we had one of our first dates. I am the hardest person in the world to surprise because I’m always curious, and constantly connected to social media, my phone, and just asking questions in general.

On the night of my birthday, we walked to the restaurant after I almost sabotoged his surprise by strongly arguing that we should stay home and watch some Netflix because turning 29 made me feel “old.” After my boyfriend insisted that we go out to dinner to celebrate, we arrived at the restaurant where I found a table full of our friends and family greeting us with gifts and loving smiles.

I’ll never forget that moment because it was my first recognition that New York was officially my home even though I had been living in Manhattan for over two years. I realized that I’d made a real life here, built a strong sense of community, survived switching jobs twice, transcended two painful breakups, met my soul mate, and found a wonderful, quirky, smart, and hilarious tribe of friends in a city that had once seemed so frightening and lonely.

JS: What was happening in the world that year? Do you remember newsworthy events, books you read, movies or shows or art you experienced?

JW: When I was 28, Barack Obama ran for president and changed my vision and faith in what is possible for people of color and all Americans. As an African American who grew up as an expatriate in an Islamic country, I felt very drawn to Barack Obama’s global and multicultural story and his representation of an experience of being that I’ve known about and lived through, but rarely seen acknowledged or honored in the media and the public discourse.

I remember dancing in the street, hugging strangers in Union Square, and feeling a new sort of patriotic pride that had evaded me beforehand. For the first time, I felt that “the dream” could possibly include me.

JS: Do you feel close to those memories, or far from them?

JW: Even though I am almost 32 and feel like I’ve been through so much since my 28th birthday, I feel close to those memories as we get closer to Election Day. The last three years have been like A Tale of Two Cities for me – the best of times, and the worst of times. I’ve experienced some of my darkest experiences while also learning so much about my resilience, strength, and endurance of spirit. When I think of the election and all of the odds that President Obama faced in his lifetime and what his ascension to power represents, I recognize that the possibilities for my life are limitless.

JS: Do you have any advice for someone going through this (supposedly) astrologically tumultuous time?

JW: This will sound wacky, so brace yourself. My Saturn Return has taught me that while there are forces in the world we live in that attempt to block or discourage us from realizing our truest calling, our light, and our truth – there is nothing more damaging we can do to ourselves than stifling who we truly are.

I’ve learned that following Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler as my guide to Saturn Return survival has been key to riding this wave and coming out of the storm (semi)-intact:

Know when to hold em’
Know when to fold em’
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

–

Thank you so much, Jamia! May your birthday this year be just as sweet as your 29th.

Photo courtesy of Jamia Wilson.

More posts from Saturn believers: Ellen, Niec, Deanna Zandt, Cathy Wasserman.

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Sep 21 2012
4 Comments
People, Projects

28 for 29, #21: Emily

An ongoing series in which I ask people what their lives were like at my age – even if they’re not very far from my age.

EPG at 28

How, how, how to introduce Emily Goodstein? I probably don’t have to. If I were playing the “Six Degrees of Separation” game and wanted to start with someone I knew personally, I’d ditch Mr. Bacon and use Ms. Goodstein. This birth photographer, lover of DC and Austin, social media die-hard, reproductive justice advocate, and shutterbug behind the illustrations in the forthcoming book The Washington DC Chef’s Table is constantly on the move, making connections, and sharing life’s moments on Facebook…yet somehow manages to send personal, thoughtful thank you cards and get full nights of sleep more often than anyone I know. 

Julia: Does the term “Saturn returns” mean anything to you?

Emily: I always thought of Saturn Return as the time between one’s 27th and 30th birthdays which is often a time of rapid and extreme change. I first heard someone mention it when I was at a youth organizing conference when I was 25 and went back to my hotel room and Googled it. Since then, I think about it often and chalk many life events up to the fact that Saturn is now in the same place as it was when I was born. I am not sure if it actually has to do with Saturn or what, but my life seems to change more than it stays the same…Reminds me of my dad always saying “the only thing constant is change.” (Do all dads say this? Seems like a really dad thing to say.)

J: Where were you when you turned 28?

E: I had such a lovely day. I was (and always have been) living in Washington, DC so I scheduled a massage for myself in the morning and had dinner with some good friends and my family at a very delicious restaurant called Ris. I love it there for many reasons, but mostly I love the fact that they have butterscotch pudding on the menu which I ordered for dessert. They put a candle in it.  I was in the middle of some difficult things (a good friend was/is dealing with a very scary health situation and I remember she’d just made plans to travel to another city for a long term course of treatment), but it was a very splendid day none the less.

J: What are one or two or several things you remember from the year or so surrounding that birthday?

E: I remember I was doing lots of personal work on the idea of doing nothing and spending time alone. On the actual birthday itself, I spent about four hours reading [Tina Fey's book] Bossypants by myself in my apartment and it was the longest time I’d spent awake in my apartment not communicating with someone else or creating something or being productive or sleeping in a very long while. It was a huge accomplishment. (Just to continue this theme, I feel like it is appropriate to mention that I rang in 29 by myself in my apartment by going to bed at 8:30, and I was so happy.)

J: What was happening in the world that year? Do you remember newsworthy events, books you read, movies or shows or art you experienced?

E: During 28, I decided to listen to every episode of This American Life ever made.  It was almost as if I had a little time capsule in every podcast and felt as if Ira Glass was my husband since we spent so much time together.  I also started listening to the Wailin’ Jennys (highly recommended trio of ladies from NY and Canada singing folk music all over the world).

I also spent an entire month of 28 in Austin, TX which was thrilling and fun and delicious. I never saw myself as a wannabe Texan, but I’m going back for more next month so I guess that is somewhat significant.

J: Do you feel close to those memories, or far from them?
E: Oh so close to them. I just had such a fun time flipping through my Google calendar and remembering all the things I did, places I visited, delicious things I ate. 28 was a glorious year and I am grateful to have a chance to relive it. I am also grateful that I am so thoroughly addicted to Twitter and Facebook and keep my life organized on a Google calendar meaning it is easy to access a full archive of my life at the click of a button. Also, that is kind of scary.

J: Do you have any advice for someone going through this (supposedly) astrologically tumultuous time?

E: As Oprah would say, own it! Yes, I just quoted Oprah. Or wave your freak flag (one of my new favorite soundbite pieces of advice, I am still not sure of the exact derivation). And lastly, this gem from my college adviser…”When you say no to others, you say yes to yourself.” I think that is pretty good advice at all times, but it was especially useful to me during my Saturn return.

–
Em, Em, Em. Thanks for saying yes to you AND yes to this. 
–
Photo courtesy of Emily Goodstein.
–
Recent “28 in 29″ posts by women close to, or still in the middle of, their Saturn Returns:
  • Anna: “To suggest that a given period is one of ‘transition’ is to suggest that other periods will be stable.”
  • Beth: “I wasn’t exactly a flying, beautiful butterfly when 29 hit, but I was stable physically and economically for the first time in years.”
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Sep 17 2012
1 Comment
People, Projects

28 for 29, #20: Amy

An ongoing series in which I ask people what their lives were like when they were about 28 years old. 

Amy K

Soon after I moved to Chicago I met Amy at an event hosted by Saya Hillman (remember her interview?). The event was all about “living a life of yes!” – and I’m thankful that several people there expressed interest in my series, because their energy helped propel this thing forward. Amy was one of them. 

Julia: Where were you when you turned 28?

Amy: Hmmm, that would have been in 1996, a year after I completed my Master’s Degree, and I was still living in Milwaukee, WI.  From what I can remember, I spent that birthday celebrating with friends in Milwaukee.

Overall, I was very excited when I completed my Master’s degree. I was the first (and only I think) to have completed that level of education – although most everyone in my immediate family has a college degree. At the time, I was very interested in using my degree to advance myself as a human resource professional and I was not interested in pursuing a Labor Relations focus, which was a large component of my education and degree. 

I was also feeling very much ready to explore and live in a much different and larger urban city in the US.  I eventually did get the chance in 1996 first and then in 1997 to relocate for work purposes to Greenville, SC and then Nashville, TN respectfully.  But alas, that was the South and not nearly as urban as I had wanted so I ultimately made a life leap and moved myself out to San Francisco, CA in summer 2002. Stayed there 8 entire years. :)

J: What are one or two or several things you remember from the year or so surrounding that birthday?

A: I remember living on Milwaukee’s East Side in a neighborhood that was being gentrified and watching the community change. Around age 28, I lived in the Brewer’s Hill neighborhood, which is just a little north of Milwaukee’s downtown. This neighborhood had been where the Pabst Brewery had once thrived and was rich with a German history. When I moved there, the neighborhood was shifting from being a predominantly low-income and minority population to a mixed race, mid-to-upper income resident population. From what I could see, there was a resurgence in economic development and revitalization in this particular neighborhood and aldermanic district that focused on attracting more professionals that wanted to live and work near downtown Milwaukee instead of the surrounding suburbs. Here’s more about the Brewer’s Hill neighborhood and a great history lesson on the changing neighborhoods of Milwaukee.

I also remember how dedicated I was then to getting my butt up early on a regular basis to get in a good work out at the gym, lol.

J: Do you feel close to those memories, or far from them?

A: As I recall them, I am feeling fond of the memories – how I was growing into my own independence at the point in my life and how it helped shaped some decisions I would later make about moving out of my home town. A large motivator for wanting to leave Milwaukee, Wisconsin was the fact that I am biracial and wanted to live in a city that was more racially diverse – especially neighborhoods and home dwellings. As you can read from the history of Milwaukee, it was (and still remains) a very racially segregated city. 

I had wanted to meet a man who would be my partner in life.  This has not happened yet, so I am still accepting applications for the position – smile!!

J: Do you have any advice for someone going through this (supposedly) astrologically tumultuous time?

A: I do believe in astrology and try to follow my horoscope when I can.  I think its always best to keep a journal as you plot through your daily life.  That way you can always return and revisit yourself and your experiences and keep your emotional memory alive.

–

Amy, thank you for sharing your memories! Just to put it out there into the universe…if you met your true love through participating in this series, I’d be pretty stoked. Eligibly Chi-town bachelors, I’m looking at you.

Photo courtesy of Amy. 

Previous posts in the series: Hannah, #1; Kara, #2; Saya, #3; Cathy (aka Mom), #4; Rachel, #5; Jen, #6; Cathy W., #7; Celeste, #8; Deanna, #9; Kyra, #10; Aditi, #11; Russ, #12; Amy, #13; Ellen, #14; Niec, #15; Anna H., #16.; Ami, #17; Beth, #18; Anna Z., #19.

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Sep 10 2012
4 Comments
People, Projects

28 for 29, #19: Anna Z.

New here? Here’s some background about the 29 interviews I’m conducting for my 29th birthday.

At 28, Anna Zeide is the youngest person to participate in the series so far. Anna’s essay has been resting patiently in my inbox for almost a week, and it’s taken me awhile to post because [unbecoming ego alert?] I wasn’t sure I could write an intro that would do it justice.

Enjoy this beautiful reflection, and I’ll tell you more about Anna after she speaks for herself. 

Anna Z.

On March 1, 2012 (exactly six months from today, when I’m first writing this), my father died. Fifty-three days later, I turned 28. It was the first time I had woken up on a birthday to a world without my Papa. It was the first birthday when Papa didn’t rouse me from sleep with either—when I was living at home—a hurried shuffling to the kitchen first thing in the morning (because you grow taller when you sleep!), where he measured my height with a triangular block of wood, marking it on the door frame with a greasy No. 2 pencil, or—after I’d moved away—an early morning phone call with loving birthday wishes in his deep Russian voice.

It was my first birthday in the “After.”

My life, as my husband so astutely wrote in my 28th birthday card, could now be marked into the “Before” and the “After.” There was a time when I had lived for 27 years without tragedy, when my claims to luck and good fortune had no asterisk, and when my family was complete, with no missing pages or chunks torn out.

And then. And then I found myself in a new world altogether, where my father’s absence was a daily presence, where the certainty of my goals fell to the wayside. How to complete my dissertation without my Papa there to see me become the second Dr. Zeide in the family? How to keep trying to conceive a child when there would be no dedushka to welcome new baby Zeide-Horn into the world? How to ponder finishing graduate school, leaving behind the town and friends who had become home, and moving to some unknown place in the country for some unknown career path, without Papa’s guidance? Tumult was everywhere.

And yet, although uncertainty seemed to be the only certainty, I could also look around me and see support and love on all sides. With my 28th birthday looming, I knew I had to create space to honor that support and love, to recognize its value, to take advantage of it.

I am, and have always been, a birthday person. I love celebration, surprises, thoughtful presents, feeling special—for myself almost as much as for others. So, we rented a house in the country, loaded up some cars with games and food and friends, and retreated for a birthday weekend. There was apple cake and homemade chocolate ice cream, there was front porch yoga and croquet, there was an epic ultimate frisbee game and a trivia night. And there were stories of my Papa. Friends sat close to listen, to find that they could only know me if they knew him.

For these months since, long after the birthday weekend, I have continued to tell and to write stories. All of them—the ones about rice and milk and the ones about ice cream, the ones about foraging and the ones about memory—have ultimately been stories about my father.

This summer, I spent a week in NYC at a food writing workshop at the New York Public Library. During a break from one of the afternoon writing sessions, I was reading one of my favorite blogs (this one!) and came across the idea of Saturn Returns for the first time. Crossing major thresholds?! Entering the next stage of life? Tumultuous times around the 28th year?! Yes, yes, and yes. Astrology or no (and I’ll go with no), there was something here worth mulling over. Later that same week, over bowls of warm congee, two wonderful friends, also writers, began talking about the very same concept, exploring how “Saturn had returned” in their own lives in recent years. We tried to make sense of this trend, of finding ourselves at crossroads and facing transition. Even though my friends had not experienced the recent loss of a father, they were pondering new relationships, cross-country moves, job opportunities. Why all these upheavals now? Was it an issue of delayed adulthood? Were we just dragging our feet about growing up, changing our minds about where we were headed and why?

For the past six years, while I’ve been working on my Ph. D., my mom has tended to see my life as being in a constant state of transition, of feet-dragging. She considers my time in graduate school simply a path to something bigger and better, rather than a valuable experience for its own sake. Perhaps she thinks this because of the contrast with my brother, who—though he is less than two years older than me—already has a stable corporate job, a wife and two [adorable] kids, a big house in the suburbs, and a city where he plans to live permanently.

But what I’ve tried to tell her, and what I ultimately think of the Saturn Returns phenomenon, is that I try to see what I’m doing in every stage of my life as the goal in itself, rather than a pathway toward a goal. To suggest that a given period is one of “transition” is to suggest that other periods will be stable. But life, I think, is ultimately built of transitionary moments. They may be big or they may be small, but I struggle to see the value of these transitions as spaces for growth and reflection, for opportunities to start fresh. To view them, instead, as something to pass through in order to reach the other side creates a sort of tunnel vision that doesn’t allow us to learn from the change itself.

So, last April, even with powerful grief weighing me down, with Papa’s loss at the forefront of my mind, with a sense of being a stranger in this Papa-less world, we rented a house in the country, loaded up cars with games and food and friends, and retreated for a birthday weekend.

I turned 28. I longed for my father. But I worked to accept this transition and to find space for reflection, for stories, and for gratitude.

–

Anna, thank you so much for sharing all of this. 

Anna Zeide lives in Madison, where she is writing her dissertation on the history of canned foods in the United States. Anna and I met as undergrads, but just barely; it’s thanks to Anuj that I’ve gotten to know her a bit since then. Her blog, Dining and Opining, always makes me wish we’d hung out in person when we had the chance! It’s a great place to go if you need help making sense of the Stanford study about organic food; crave a recipe for slaw that you can tweak to your heart’s desire; or  want to read more poignant memories about her relationships with her family and with food. 

Photo: Anna on her 28th birthday, surrounded by friends.

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